It wasn’t part of the plan to be away this long.
I mentioned last time how I planned on showing up here going forward. And I meant it. Yet here we are three months later, and I’m even less sure now than I was then of what “showing up here going forward” is supposed to look like.
There were a few times last year when the thought of eventually stepping away from this space came into view:
Summer Slowdown
The promise of longer days with fewer things to do starts calling my name months before summer’s actually started. All the things I haven’t been able to get to for months on end quickly fills up my to-do list of summer goals. I’m not opposed to busy summers. Lord knows I’ve had a lifetime full of them to prove it. I’m a doer by nature, so I get an incre…
But needing to step away from a thing sometimes doesn’t automatically mean it’s time to step away from something for good. So I kept plugging away, showing up in all the writerly ways and spaces a “real” writer was supposed to.
Some words on taking breaks showed up in my inbox several months ago that caught my eye:
As I sit in the in-between of what I thought life would look like in this season, and what it actually does—I’ve recognized the need to take a break from showing up in this space.
Brandy Wallner,
I went back to Brandy’s words off an on in the months that followed. There was something about her journey that really resonated with me, sharing how her public writing when she returns to it would be less essays and more short and sweet thoughts.
You see, this whole writing gig began with sharing short and sweet thoughts, mainly on Instagram. The short and sweet turned into longer form essays and articles. Over several years, those essays and articles turned into a Google doc, which eventually turned into a book.
Other book ideas were floating around in my head and heart, but as more time’s gone by there’s been less clarity about what my next steps as a writer should be. Longer form essays have become more of a chore, with the words for these less readily available. The short and sweet thoughts have become my new norm as a writer.
Uh-oh.
But the thought of going back to the short, sweet, and sporadic social media posts I began my writing journey with started to sound less uh-oh and more
Yay! When can I start?!
But also because my mind and heart can be complicated both/and-y places:
Cue the hyper-analysis of why.
Is this because of grief and loss and all the ways I miss Mom a little more each day since she died? Maybe. Is it the unexpected grief and loss that’s showing up in a few changing circumstances and relationships in my life? Possible. Is it perimenopause? Ugh.
All of the above.
It feels like I’ve been caught in a storm of one change after another, with most days requiring all of my focus and attention just to keep my head above water, and my heart from sinking in despair. My heart, soul, mind, and strength have been in quite the battle fighting forward towards Hope, and casting my cares on the One who always cares, and is always there.
No wonder the words have been hard to find.
But I’ve decided not to analyze it too much and just listen. Listen, and then lament. Grieve this loss too. The loss of writerly dreams and goals that have been replaced with…well, nothing yet.
So for now, I’ll pop back in here (and in your inboxes) from time to time as the words bubble up. You can follow along here for all those short, sweet, and sporadic social media posts.
Grateful for all the ways you journey with me.
Until next time,
Becky
Feeling your words speak to my heart. This year, I have been holding myself accountable to a writing and sharing schedule and that felt like what this year needed. Yet, real life feels a lot right now and words can be challenging to come by or feel inadequate to express the complexity of a situation. And as I sit her reflecting on what healthy rhythms might look like going forward, there feels so much freedom in allowing our writerly selves to just pop in when the words flow, rather than feeling the pressure to produce words on a schedule.
I'm feeling this deeply today, Becky. I've been trying to take comfort in the idea that none of life right now will be wasted when it comes to writing and creativity and words -- whatever they all should look like. That when the time comes, I'll know. That maybe I'll have rounded some type of corner. I don't know. For now, I'm throwing some thoughts on the wall over on Threads, like partially cooked spaghetti.
I'm with you, writer. You're not alone in attempting to figure out what happens next. Sending prayers and cheering you on along the way.