Loving Others: Practically Impractical in So Many Ways #3
comfort, connection, and coffee chats™
Some of you may feel I’ve reached the statute of limitations on saying certain words:
Seeing that it’s the first newsletter of the year and I’m not a fictionalized version of Larry David, I’ve decided to not curb my enthusiasm and wish you a happy new year anyway :-)
I’m incredibly grateful for all the kind words in response to my last post. It seems death’s sting is familiar to quite a few of us. Grief is a process, and I’m sure that the processing of that process will show up in this space from time to time. I know you signed up to receive glimpses of love in your inbox and not glimpses of grief, but we grieve because we love. Practically speaking, I guess that’ll keep things fairly on-topic around here.
And speaking of the word practically…
Welcome to our series on loving others: Practically Impractical in So Many Ways, notes to myself as I take steps (the faith and hope-filled, clumsy and imperfect kind) in loving others in practical (and impractical) ways.
Invite someone to coffee or a meal.
And then after you’ve invited someone to said coffee or meal, make sure to
ask about and listen to what is going on in their life.
But first, the invitation. To invite, or wait to be invited, that is the question. It might actually be the most practically impractical thing about this whole invite-someone-to-coffee-or-a-meal business.
That’s the thing about introverts, we are always waiting to be invited to speak about what matters to us.
Michaela Chung, The Irresistible Introvert
But the wording of the challenge spells out what should be done plainly (albeit painfully), so invite we shall. We can save the waiting to be invited for some other time.
Despite what the quote above states, and regardless of where we find ourselves on the introvert/extrovert spectrum, what matters to us isn’t the priority. Although I’m hoping that asking about and listening to what’s going on in someone’s life matters to us at least a little bit.
And while every great coffee date or sharing a meal with someone ideally involves ample give and take conversationally and relationally, the mission we’ve chosen to set our intentions to with this particular challenge is to ask about and listen to what is going on in their life.
Not just hearing what is going on in their life, but actually listening.
hear - the capacity to perceive sound; to become aware of sound.
listen - to pay attention to sound; to hear with thoughtful attention.
We hear with our ears, and we listen by engaging our hearts and minds. To listen, we must care.
What would change if my coffee chat invitations started here? My comfortability might still be a consideration, but it wouldn’t be the auto-pilot starting point.
Who would I reach out to once comfort isn’t the required kickoff for connection?
A recent practically impractical coffee chat comes to mind. There were a few times throughout our time together that I felt quite uncomfortable, and it had absolutely nothing to do with my friend or how I feel about our relationship. It just wasn’t what I expected.
You see, I have a vision of what the ideal Coffee Chat™ is supposed to look and feel like. Cozy seating, chill atmosphere, and great conversation covering a range of topics. And yes, the coffee has to be fantastic.
This particular coffee chat involved taking a brisk walk (no cozy seating) around the neighborhood (our brisk walk took place in my friend’s rural-adjacent horse ranch-ish neighborhood with roosters aplenty crowing throughout our walk, so no chill atmosphere), while simultaneously drinking coffee on the go (happy to report my coffee was *insert chef’s kiss here* fantastic).
It wasn’t what I had envisioned. Not by a long shot.
In the midst of all that I wasn’t expecting about this coffee chat, there was an unexpected glimpse of love (although at this point, let’s be honest: the unexpected glimpses of love are starting to become a little expected for me, which I guess isn’t a bad thing).
My friend was moving to California a few days after our walk. Instagram stories would become the way I’d see her from now on, instead of just the extra connection point it’s always been. It’s not like I didn’t know all of this before our walk, mind you. But as I was driving home afterwards, I realized that at some point in the middle of that untrademarked coffee chat, my comfort and expectations stopped mattering as much. Engaging my heart and mind with intention took over, and the circumstances surrounding our connection became the gateway to listen and care, instead of an obstacle I had to avoid.
My desire to connect with her before she left became more important than how we were connecting.
I guess Coffee Chat™ needed an update.
Until next time,
Becky
a few more words…
According to Substack stats, here are some words that resonated:
And a few words I wrote about resolutions a few years ago that still ring true:
Practically Impractical 😊❤️
As an introvert, who has uncovered the beauty of extending an invitation, I feel all these words. Thank you
The recounting of your coffee chat intrigued me. I’m trying to get out more again by trying to schedule coffee dates and lunch dates, but it’s hard. People have schedules. So do I. Also, friendships have shifted over the past few years. Long lunch dates with friends like we used to have seem like too big of a commitment. Maybe a coffee date seems like more manageable in case the conversation no longer seems to be connecting. I have two coffee dates on the books for next week. I’ll let you know how it goes.