The letter O in loss brings us to
O ur Loss Matters: Learning to Lament
“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”
Gandalf, Return of the King
Some people want to pretend that loss should be unimportant for people of faith because of the “joy set before us” in Christ. It may come as a surprise to you, but human beings are allowed to grieve. It’s normal, it’s right, it’s a natural response to loss…and it is not denied to Christians.1
Promises don’t take away the pain of loss, but give it purpose.
Grief is a very real thing, even when the person you’re grieving posted on social media two hours ago.2 Grief is real when the person you're grieving still lives with you. Grief is real when the person you’re grieving is still a part of your family. Grief is real when the person you’re grieving still attends your church.
Grief doesn’t need any qualifiers to be a very real thing in our lives.
I shared a few posts ago how the presence and absence of ambiguous loss held hands for me early on in life. They hold hands for me in the here and now, too. There may come a day when sharing more details about it here is a thing, but it is not this day. (#sorrynotsorry for that additional Return of the King reference.3) In order to protect the privacy and dignity of those I’ve ambiguously (and not so ambiguously) lost and let their stories be their stories, I won’t be sharing any details that don’t need to be shared in this space. But having to walk through what I’m walking through really stinks, and I don’t like it. There’s no way around it. Loss hurts, and the grief brought on by loss is very real.
Loss makes us uncomfortable. We’re desperate to find “the bright side” - so we quickly change the subject, or even just physically leave the presence of lament in order to escape the tension. Shutting down emotions prematurely doesn’t allow the very necessary processing of the loss that needs to happen. More importantly, not acknowledging, ignoring, or suppressing those things doesn’t allow God with us to be God with us in those emotions. We’re ignoring the very things God is attempting to use to remind us of our dependence on him.
Emotions are a friend that’s trying to tell me something, not an enemy I need to vanquish.
Have you noticed how most of us say "I'm sorry" when we cry in front of others? In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis shares, “Grief forces turmoil of thought and feeling upon us.” It renders us incompetent. Grief brings about a humiliation that we often feel the need to apologize for. We forget that humiliation leads to humbling.
And grieving “well” - what does that even mean? Maybe it’s learning how to cry without feeling ashamed. Turning towards our agony to examine it for further understanding, instead of refusing to acknowledge it.4
The fourth verse of Psalm 23 talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death, not running through it or teleporting past it. What would happen if we chose to sit with our pain, go through it, and then bring that pain to God? What would it look like to not rush grief, to not minimize it or pretend it isn’t what it is? To be able to say, “Yeah, this loss I’ve experienced/am experiencing is bad.” To be able to express our feelings about loss honestly before our heavenly Father. What would that look like?
I think one way it can look is learning to lament.
Laments are in the bible for a reason. They are a grace to those of us who struggle through pain that doesn’t reconcile easily.5
Lament gives us permission to wrestle with sorrow instead of rushing to end it.
Do we have the courage of the psalmists to have honest and blunt conversations with God about our ambiguous loss? Lament is how those of us who know what God is like and believe in him address their pain. Bring your questions and your frustrations in humility. Like a surgeon’s knife is meant to heal, our complaints are meant to move us along in our laments towards the healing only God’s presence can provide.6
Reading scripture in the midst of deep grief often seems impossible. The Book of Job can be a helpful companion as we walk through suffering. Job’s lament gives language to his misery without condemnation. Job’s lament was not sin.7
“Therefore, I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.” Job 7:11, the honest expression and full venting of his struggle.
“Don't skip to the final chapters of Job without first sitting with him in the first 37 as he laments.” Wendy Alsup, Companions in Suffering
I used to think I should just get over loss and not pay much attention to it, especially the ambiguous, uncertain and unresolved kind. Now I know that loss - even the uncertain, and unresolved kind - leads to new life, and new life is something that deserves my utmost attention. I can be honest with God as I lament. Ambiguous loss isn’t something to just brush aside.
Isaiah calls Jesus Man of Sorrows. Jesus wept. And we do, too. We can freely embrace Gandalf’s reminder from earlier. Not all tears are an evil.
Our loss matters. We must learn to lament.
I said, “I will remember God while I groan;
I will think about him while my strength leaves me.”
Psalm 77:3 (NET)
Until next time,
Becky
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, or you absolutely do and want to be freshly inspired by Aragorn’s powerful speech, then click here.
If you’d like to do a deeper dive on the gift and grace of lament specifically, I highly recommend Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament, Mark Vroegop
Our Loss Matters: Learning to Lament
Beautiful words, Becky. And so important to acknowledge and “permission” for Christians to lament. Christine Langford - who writes on Substack as well, do you know her? -wrote about lament in her recent post, too, and the “man of sorrows” we follow. So so good and powerful a reminder. 💗🙏🏻 also, sidenote, I so want to read your book, but I’m only managing audible at the moment – how can I get hold of the audio version? Just playing catch up and I’ve been meaning to ask you! 🙏🏻 📖